OUTRAGEOUS PART SEVEN: THE ANNA NICOLE SHOW
Anna gets a reality check in more ways than one.
As a kid, Anna thought having her own TV show would solve all of her problems. This is about the time she realizes she was wrong.
SEPTEMBER 2002
Anna gets her makeup done in a NYC hotel room. Howard sits close by, clutching his PalmPilot.
“You gotta be strong today Anna,” Howard says. “They’re not gonna go easy on you.”
“I’ve been through it before Howard,” Anna says. “Howard, Howard, Howard, Howard.”
“You can say the U.S. District Court agrees Pierce conspired against you to destroy his dad’s trust,” Howard says. “That’s all public record. But be more vague about the $88 million.”
“What do you think I’m gonna say? Remember when I was supposed to get half a billion dollars? Well, I got a fifth of that,” Anna says. “Actually, I’m still waiting on a fifth of that.”
“Say as little as you can about money, ok?” Howard asks. “I wish I could go on with you.”
Anna rolls her eyes at him.
We cut to Anna as she exits a limo in front of Howard Stern’s studio.
(No, not Howard K. Stern her lawyer, the real radio host and “King of All Media!”)
We cut to radio host Howard Stern inside his studio. An ON-AIR sign blinks. He converses with a cast of sidekicks: Robin Quivers, Gary Dell'Abate, Benji, John The Stutterer and more.
“Ok, day after our 9/11 memorial show, one year later. Anna Nicole Smith’s stopping by later. I know Benjy’s all excited about it. When she was here earlier this year, he got her in the bathroom and tried to perform oral on her. He got as far as making out with her and stuff,” Stern says into his mic.
“Have they aired that episode yet?” Robin asks.
“I saw Benji in a promo on E!” Stern says.
“But I don’t think they’ve actually aired it,” Benji says.
“Yeah, because I keep waiting for that episode,” Robin says.
“Hopefully today there will be a new episode where Benji finally scores. Her lawyer Howard K Stern keeps c-blocking Benji,” Stern says.
(Stern practically shouts the “K” in Howard’s name to differentiate them).
“Well, if he’s not going to sleep with her, step aside…” Robin says.
“He’s sleeping with her,” Stern says.
“You think so?” Robin asks.
“Of course,” Stern says.
“What do you mean he’s cockblocking, or c-blocking, me?” Benji asks.
They all laugh.
“Ok, I think Anna Nicole would have hung out with you in California had you flown out there --” Stern says.
“You think he discouraged her from doing it?” Benji asks.
“Yes. I certainly do. I’ve even heard it,” Stern says.
“Do you think he has romantic interest in her or just financial?” Robin asks.
“Yep. Both,” Stern says.
“Is he sleeping with her?” Robin asks.
“I’m saying he’s sleeping with her,” Stern says.
“I can see financial. I don’t think he has romantic interest. I think they’re friends,” Benji says.
“I think he’s in love with her. I think the girl who does makeup, or the assistant, whoever she is, I think she’s in love with Anna Nicole Smith,” Stern says.
“I agree there,” Robin says.
“I don’t know what’s going on. I watch the show pretty religiously. I think I’ve missed maybe one episode. And I can tell you, um, uh, I think the son… I feel bad for him,” Stern says.
“Uh yes, that’s a definite. I feel bad for the son and the dog,” Robin says.
“I feel bad for the son and the dog,” Stern says.
“I think they’re both being abused,” Robin says.
“Yeah. I feel that Anna Nicole… I know she keeps saying that she’s not on anything, but I think she is on something, whether it’s medically prescribed or what. I just… she says it’s her accent…” Stern says.
“That’s not true,” Robin says.
“I know a lot of people from that part of the country and…” Stern says.
“There are times on the show when she talks quickly and coherently and there are times…” Robin says.
“So what does that mean?” Stern asks.
“I don’t know,” Robin says.
“Doesn’t that mean that like, sometimes she’s on something and sometimes she’s not? These are just my observations from the show,” Stern says.
“But I don’t get that Howard is in love with her from the show,” Robin says.
“I do. I also get that, for some reason, she doesn’t think she’s heavy,” Stern says.
“That’s a for sure,” Robin says.
“That’s the other strange thing. Anna doesn’t recognize that she’s a big girl and maybe shouldn’t wear belly shirts,” Stern says.
“And all the time, she’s eating. They play a game and it’s an eating contest,” Robin says.
“Like would she wear a thong in here? She seems to love being naked and showing off her body,” Stern says.
“Let’s give her one of the bikinis,” Robin says.
“They went to Fredericks of Hollywood or something and she tried on an outfit she probably shouldn’t have been on camera in…” Gary adds.
“That’s what I’m saying. I don’t think she’s aware she’s a big girl. She’s gotta weigh...I would say she weighs 300 pounds at least. Wouldn’t you agree?” Stern says.
The other correspondents all shout out their bets on her weight: 283, 275, 250, 265, no, 299...
“Anything over 300, I have a lock,” Stern says. “I can’t imagine what she’d be like in bed.”
“You think she’d be bad?” Robin asks.
“I do,” Stern says. “When I'm with a broad, I like to move ‘em around. Different positions. I don’t think that could be accomplished. I don’t have a crane. I don’t have all that time for her to roll over.”
Robin laughs.
We cut to the green room and as Anna watches and listens to everything they say on a big TV.
Howard, Kimmy and Daniel (now a teenager) all cower behind her, uncomfortable.
Daniel watches his mom in horror as they talk about her.
Finally, he puts his hand on her shoulder. Kimmy grabs her hand. Howard grabs the other one.
Wordless, Anna shakes everyone off and storms into the studio.
OUTRAGEOUS
FEBRUARY 2002 - SIX MONTHS EARLIER
Anna slurps on her Coffee Bean Ice Blended and retouches her lipstick in the car’s visor mirror.
“I’m not letting us be late Anna,” Howard says.
“Oh, finish your mocha,” Anna says. “You know what Coco Chanel said? ‘If you're sad, add more lipstick and attack.’ I bought a t-shirt with that on it at Planet Blue in the Malibu Country Mart. It doesn’t fit me right now, but I still had to get it.”
“Anna, we’re about to sell a TV show! About you! This is your big day!” Howard says.
“Howard, this is your big day. This is not my big day, I promise you,” Anna says. “I remember my big days.”
“Well excuse me for trying to get you on a network other than Court TV,” Howard says.
“It’s not exactly ABC,” Anna says.
“Sonnenberg is the real deal. You never know what could happen,” he says.
“Howard, don’t talk to me like I’m fucking stupid,” Anna tells him. “I’m sorry you weren’t around for the high points of my career. If you make me some new ones, then you will be.”
Anna gets out of the car and sashays down Wilshire. Everyone notices her.
She knows how to sell herself. The currency? Body language.
“It’s gotta be a funny show,” Anna says. “I’m funny. And besides, I know I’m too big for them to take me seriously.”
“Anna, stop, you’re beautiful,” Howard says.
“Yeah, I know, but they don’t let fat girls play serious roles. I’ve gotta be the joke. I could be like Roseanne and John Candy. But pretty,” Anna says. “Nobody can tell me I don’t have a pretty face, even if I gain 200 pounds.”
“Just, don’t talk about weight,” Howard tells her.
He swings open the E! Door for her and they enter the lobby.
Inside a conference room with crushed red carpet, Anna picks at a muffin basket.
Mark Sonnenberg, a low-rent Mark Cuban-esque executive, pitches to Anna.
“We want an unscripted comedy about a celebrity,” Sonnenberg says. “MTV’s got The Osbournes and The Newlyweds. We would have The Anna Nicole Show.”
“Has anyone ever told you they hated their E! True Hollywood Story?” Anna asks. “Cuz I really hated mine.”
“We still watched it like, five times,” Howard says.
“I love your honesty,” Sonneberg says. “I want you to hold on to that honesty. You know your True Hollywood Story broke records at E! For the entire network, not just that series.”
“People love to talk about me,” Anna says. “My life fascinates them.”
“Everytime we air that thing, its viewership doubles or triples. Every time. We’d be stupid not to give you a show.”
“And we’d be stupid not to do it,” Howard says.
Anna darts her eyes at him like “Shut up.”
“My problem with the True Hollywood Story is that a lot wasn’t true,” Anna says.
“You don’t like how we told your story? Tell us yourself. We’ll just send our cameras,” Sonnenberg says. “The Anna Nicole Show.”
“The Anna Nicole Show,” Anna says.
“You could be part Marilyn Monroe, part Lucille Ball,” Sonnenberg says. “Elegant and funny.”
Anna smiles widely.
When Daniel gets home from school, Anna pitches him the show.
“It would be called The Anna Nicole Show, she squeals. “Wouldn’ that be cool?”
“Yeah,” Daniel says. “Can I visit you on set?”
“It’s gonna be a show about us pumpkin,” Anna explains. “They’ll get us a new house to be our set, a better house. Then they’ll just film us a few hours every day. Doesn’t that sound like a good job? We won’t even have to go anywhere.”
“I don’t think I’d do good,” Daniel tells her. “I’m shy.”
“Don’t we love TV though?” Anna asks him.
Daniel nods.
“They’re not gonna film us that much,” Anna tells him. “You don’t have to do anything you hate.”
Daniel nods agreeably but the thought terrifies him.
“There’s gonna be confessionals too,” Anna says.
“Like at church?” Daniel asks.
Anna shrugs.
“I don’t want to,” Daniel whispers.
“Ok, I’ll give you time to think,” Anna tells him. “We’ll think about it.”
Daniel chokes back tears.
“We’re too weird,” Daniel tells Anna.
In bed, Kimmy massages Anna’s feet and expresses her concern about being on the show.
“I never imagined being on TV,” Kimmy says.
“I do,” Anna says. “All the time. And movies.”
“You’ve already been in movies,” Kimmy says.
“Not enough,” Anna says. “And I’ve never been the star.”
“Do I have to get all girly to be on the show with you?” Kimmy asks.
“No, you’ll look beautiful like yourself,” Anna says.
Anna pecks Kimmy’s lips. Sweet and quick. Unclear if it’s romantic, but it’s definitely tender.
Kimmy pours more oil onto Anna’s feet.
“I remember when I first saw you, working at the spa,” Anna says. “That was already two years ago.”
“You know I’ll do anything for you Mama,” Kimmy says. “Even be on TV.”
“Yay,” Anna says.
Kimmy spreads the oil from Anna’s feet up to her thighs.
Kimmy uses her tongue to lift up the hem of Anna’s nightgown, as to avoid getting her oily hands on it, of course....
Anna lays back and enjoys the massage.
The next day, Anna signs paperwork at home with Howard.
“Ok that’s the last of the legal stuff for today,” Howard says. “What about E?”
“What about it?” Anna asks. “I told you I need more time to talk to Daniel.”
“Why don’t you show him a picture of the motel room you’ll be living in in Panorama City if you don’t do the show?,” Howard asks.
“Shut up Howard,” Anna says. “Why would we live in a motel room when we could just move into your apartment?”
“I’m doing everything I can for you Anna. I act as your lawyer and your manager and your publicist and your dog walker and shit scooper,” Howard says. “And your producer. I just want you to have options, whether you get your money or not.”
“What do you mean if?” Anna asks.
“You know what I mean Anna,” Howard says. “Pierce has all the time and money in the world to keep appealing. Who knows how long he can drag it out.”
Anna sighs, wordless.
“If you do the show, they’ll buy you a nice house in the Hollywood Hills, ok?” Howard says.
“They said Studio City,” Anna says. “Studio City is not the Hollywood Hills, Howard. If you can see Universal Studios from your backyard, it’s not the Hills. I’ve been to some really nice properties, Howard.”
We cut to Anna and Howard in the car with a realtor. She flashes other cars as cameramen capture her every move from the backseat, a dash cam and a trailing car.
They creep through Encino (South of Ventura Boulevard, at least!) and land at a house.
They all get out and the realtor leads them throughout the property. Modern, cold, white.
Filming begins. Cameras follow Anna as she looks at houses in the Valley with a realtor.
In the master bath, Anna gets into the bathtub and lays down with her feet up. Pinup style.
“I fit into this bathtub,” Anna says. “So we’ve gotta get this house.”
Stern pulls Anna aside.
“We’re just looking here,” Howard says. “Part of the search. This one’s too expensive for you.”
“Too expensive for me or too expensive for E!?” Anna asks. “What kind of game are you playing, Howard?”
“Your microphone is still on,” Howard reminds her.
“So fucking what?” Anna asks him. “I’m getting this house or I’m not doing the show.”
Howard nods.
“Can I use the bathroom?” Anna asks the realtor.
Anna sits on the toilet downstairs, begins shitting.
A grip removes his headset, disgusted but smiley.
“Turn your mic off!” he shouts.
A PA pounds on the bathroom door.
“We can all hear you,” the PA tells her.
Anna freezes in embarrassment on the toilet. But not for long…
Anna washes her hands and waltzes out like nothing happened. Until…
“Did y’all like that? Perverts?” she asks the crew, teasing.
They all laugh.
In a hotel room, the cameras roll as Anna gets her makeup done before the GUESS 20th Anniversary Party. Rollers still in her hair.
“See what I have to go through to look for y’all? Ow,” Anna whines to the camera.
“Sorry, reset,” a camera operator says. “Jerry, I caught your shadow in the mirror. Back up.”
“Got it,” Jerry says.
“Ok, Anna,” the camera operator says.
“See what I have to go through to look for y’all, ow?” Anna whines into his camera.
We watch as her bare face transforms into sultry work of art.
“Shhhhh,” Anna whispers into the camera.
She seduces the camera with her mouth and eyes, the way she angles her chin.
“I know you want it,” Anna whispers into the camera like a porn star.
Kimmy sprays Anna with perfumes before they head out. One spritz Hanae Mori. One spritz Boucheron.
Anna examines herself in her crushed blue velvet tube dress, turns around in front of the mirror.
“I have a big butt in this dress,” Anna says.
On the red carpet, Anna slays. Other girls get nervous, Anna gets excited. The cameras are ravenous. They eat her up.
Anna poses in ways that flatten her big belly and elongate her thick arms. An expert in making herself look good.
Howard and Kimmy root for her off the red carpet. Kimmy takes photos on her disposable.
When the fashion show portion begins, Anna finds her seat in the front row. Next to Bai Ling.
Concerned about her stomach’s appearance once she sits down, Anna finds a decorative pillow to rest on her lap to conceal it…. Avoiding any unflattering photographs.
At the after party, Anna grabs champagne and appetizers from passed trays and dances with other guests.
Anna excuses herself to the bathroom. Kimmy follows but Anna tells her she’ll go alone.
Inside the stall, Anna sits on the toilet without hiking up her dress or putting down a sheet.
Gown on the toilet, Anna rushes to undo her shoes.
She rolls her ankles and toes, wincing in the pain of wearing heels all night.
Anna digs her acrylics into pressure points between her toes and pants.
The pain becomes pleasure.
Outside the stall, we see the line growing. Inside, Anna pursues the ecstasy of this massage.
Her own hands on her own feet bring her to orgasm. Re-energized, like a vampire after drinking blood, Anna slips her heels back on.
Before exiting the stall, Anna reaches all the way under her gown and sticks a finger inside herself. She glides her finger behind her ears like perfume and emerges back into the party, ready to be the life of it.
Back in the Valley, Anna eats a pickle in the passenger seat of a parked moving truck.
Howard, Kimmy and Daniel help load their stuff into their new home.
“Do you like the house?” Anna asks Daniel.
He groans.
“Now we live close to Dupars,” Anna says. “We can go for pancakes all the time.”
Movers struggle to carry a heavy couch inside.
“I’m gonna go in and lay on that,” Anna says.
She enters her new home, curls up on the couch and naps as everyone else moves her stuff.
Later, Anna visits Daniel in his new bedroom before going to sleep.
“I’m sorry you hate the cameras,” she says. “I just had to do it. Until we get our settlement from Paw Paw, there was really no other---”.
“I understand,” Daniel cuts her off.
“Plus I needed something to do other than sit in court rooms all day,” Anna continues. “Or think about sittin’ in courtrooms. I need something to get dressed for other than court too.”
“It’s fine,” Daniel says. “Love you mom.”
“You’re such a good son,” she says.
Daniel smiles.
“Am I a good mommy?” she asks.
Daniel nods yes and kisses her cheek.
A couple weeks later, Howard plays Anna the opening credit sequence for her TV show --
“Anna, Anna, glamorous Anna, Anna Nicole
Was born in Texas, strugglin’ savin’, tryin’ to get to fame
Then you use what you got (and that’s a lot!), you became a household name
Married a billionaire, so he was 88, but they didn’t date
Then it all disappeared as fast as it came
Anna, Anna, glamorous Anna, Anna Nicole
Anna, Anna, glamorous Anna, Anna Nicole
You’re so outrageous
Anna Nicole”
“I’m so outrageous!” Anna sings to her dog, Sugar Pie.
She jumps around thrilled.
“Can we watch it again?” Anna asks and we see her fixate on every frame intently.
Howard restarts the video.
“It looks so real! Like a real show!” she exclaims. “Look how they drew me all cute!”
“Anna, Anna, glamorous Anna, Anna Nicole,” Howard sings.
Later that week, Anna and Howard K Stern go on Larry King Live. Together!
“She's a living soap opera how?” King asks during the broadcast.
“She really is. She just -- you know, just everything in her life, the small issues get compounded into big issues,” Howard explains.
“It's like…” Anna starts.
“Things happen to…” King continues.
“Every single day something happens to me, it's true,” Anna says.
“Really? Do you think there's sort of like a cloud?” King asks.
“Yes,” Anna says.
“That hangs over your head?” King asks.
“A dark one, a very... “ Anna says.
“A dark one?” King asks.
“Yes,” Anna says.
“How old are you now?” King asks.
“Twenty-seven,” Anna says.
Howard shoots her a look like, “Stop lying.”
“I've got ties older than you. Your life is just starting.. Do you want to get married again? Do you want to have children? Do you want to have a boyfriend?” King asks.
“I want to have children so bad. Yes, I do,” Anna says.
“And E! is going to follow you around for that too. We'll take you through a pregnancy. This will go on for years. You'll find out the father will be there for the birth,” King says.
“No, no fathers. I'm just going to be one-night stands,” Anna says.
“That's what you're interested in now?” King asks.
“Yes,” Anna says.
“That's easier, Anna?” King asks.
“Yes,” Anna says.
“Less involved, don't fall in love, is that what you're saying?” King asks.
“No. I'm just going to go out there and…” Anna says.
“It's more than that too, the television show, because it's following her in her career. For the first time, she's really starting to work again and she's excited about working again,” Howard adds.
“Yes, hey, E!, I'm going out on a date, come on,” Anna says.
“One of the tabloids said that -- were you ever in -- did you kiss Roseanne or something? Were you involved in…” King says.
“Maybe,” Anna teases.
“What was that?” King asks.
“Maybe,” Anna repeats.
“Did you like it? You can tell me, come on,” King says.
“Did I kiss Roseanne? Probably,” Anna says.
“You know, these things are…” Stern interjects.
“I'm always kissing everybody. I kiss everybody,” Anna says.
“So you can safely say here tonight, you have not been involved with a woman? Oh-oh,” King asks.
“What do you mean?” Anna asks.
“I mean, you haven't been physically involved? I don't want to put words in your mouth. You haven't been physically involved with someone of the same sex?” King asks.
“What do you mean?” Anna asks.
“You haven't had a relationship with someone of the same sex?” King asks.
“Like what?” Anna asks, playing dumb.
“Like physical?” King asks.
“What do you mean? I don't know what you mean,” Anna insists.
“She's good,” Howard says.
“OK. You're good. You know, or I can make my own presumption,” King says.
“About what?” Anna asks.
“About your having a relationship with a woman,” King continues.
“What kind?” Anna asks. Again.
“This is going to be a successful show, I mean, this is going to be good,” King decides.
King throws to a commercial break and Anna just giggles.
“Did I mess up?” Anna whispers to Howard. Howard shakes his head “no.” Anna relaxes.
That weekend, a producer goes over their plan for the day.
“You guys know where the restaurant is. We’ll go there and you guys are going to order whatever you’d like for your eating contest,” the producer says.
“Why an eating contest?” Daniel asks. “Why can’t we just eat?”
“It was Howard’s idea,” the producer says.
“He knows I’m going to kick his ass,” Anna says.
Outside the restaurant, this motley crew waits for a table.
“Daniel, if I win, you have to dress up in girl’s clothes and let me put makeup on you then go out roller skating,” Anna says.
“Mom, no,” Daniel says.
We see their crew, a gaggle of So-Cal bros with camera, sound and electrical equipment, film.
Once at their table, the trash talking turns up
“Tell me you’re gonna kick my ass,” Anna tells Stern.
“I think I’m going to beat you,” Stern says.
“Tell her you’re going to kick her ass,” Stern instructs Daniel.
Daniel smiles.
“Are you gonna kick my ass Daniel?” Anna asks.
“Yeah,” he answers, her goofiness making him less shy.
“Oh c’mon,” Anna says.
“This is one of the seven deadly sins you know, gluttony,” Kimmy adds. “It just is. That’s what the bible says.”
Nobody responds to that…
Anna breaks the fourth wall and asks her crew if they’ve ordered anything yet. She tells them they better order something because E! can afford it.
A montage of competitive eating:
Anna, Howard, Kimmy and Daniel each eat their own cheese pizzas and plates of manicotti.
Howard orders ravioli but Kimmy throws in the towel.
Kimmy wipes sauce off Anna’s chin for her.
Daniel stares at other people eating in booths as he enjoys his pasta.
Anna drinks her Coke.
“I’m sweating,” Anna says. “I’m sweating. I need some air, I’m going to the bathroom,” she says.
Kimmy goes with her.
Alone at the table together, Howard expresses his suspicions about what Anna’s doing in there.
“This is bullshit,” Howard says.
Daniel barely reacts, confused.
(Howard’s in charge of doing the dumbass legwork required of all reality stars – he produces conflict.)
“Daniel, I believe we listen at the door,” Howard says.
Daniel follows him to the bathroom hallway and puts his ear to the door to eavesdrop.
“I just couldn’t eat anymore sauce,” Kim says, off screen.
Howard and Daniel hear burping and gagging noises.
“That’s bullshit,” Howard says as he returns to the table, to nobody.
Anna, Daniel and Kimmy return to the table right after.
“I did some validating,” Howard says.
“Howard went to see if he could hear you puking,” Kimmy tells Anna.
“What, you tried to hear me pee?” Anna asks Howard. A flirty deflection.
“Daniel, weren’t you concerned that your mother might be---” Stern asks.
“I don’t want to be involved,” Daniel says.
(Boom! Daniel doesn’t feel pressure to play co-star.)
“I heard something. A little birdie told me something,” Howard says.
Anna throws a napkin at him.
“What are you all pissed for?” Anna asks Howard.
“It’s ok,” Howard says.
“What? What?” Anna asks.
“You swear?” Howard asks.
“You didn’t throw up?” Howard asks.
“No,” Anna swears. “Howard, fuck you. If you can’t trust me, then what the fuck are you doing in my life?”
“About throwing up in an eating contest?” Howard asks.
“If you can’t trust me, get up and get the fuck out. What are you doing in my life?” Anna asks.
“If you want me out, I’ll get out,” Howard says.
“I want you out, because you can’t fucking trust me.
“Mkay,” Stern says.
They stare at each other as the server comes with their plates of ravioli. Anna pushes it away.
“I give up. You win,” Anna says.
“Fine Anna, you do win. You get what you want,” Howard says.
“Bullshit,” Anna says. “You’re bullshit.”
“I’m bullshit?,” Howard asks.
“Yep,” Anna says.
“I could care less if you threw up,” Howard says.
“Howard I didn’t throw up, for you to say that, you’re a fucking asshole,” Anna says. “Daniel won. I’m out of here.”
She squeezes Daniel’s hand and rises.
“You guys order your stuff and we’ll be outside,” Anna tells the crew. “I’m going to go do my own thing with Kimmy. I can’t be with Howard right now. Daniel, you can come with us or go home.”
Daniel watches intently as one of the camera operators replaces his batteries.
“How often do you have to change those?” Daniel asks. “How do you charge them?”
The camera guy shows Daniel his gear.
Howard approaches Anna on the sidewalk.
“I would never call you a fucking liar,” Anna says.
“Aren’t you blowing this a little out of proportion? Just a little?” Howard asks.
“No, no I am not,” Anna says. “You can’t say I threw up. When I didn’t. As a matter of fact, I was taking a shit in there! How about that? If you really want to know what I did!”
Howard tries to grab Anna and the waist.
“Don’t touch me,” Anna tells him. “Kimmy, let’s go do something fun.”
We cut to Kimmy getting a tattoo on her bicep while Anna watches. Kimmy yelps in pain.
“I like hearing you whine like that,” Anna tells her.
“This is how much I love you,” Kimmy says.
The artist pauses to wipe up blood and we see the tattoo: a huge portrait of Anna.
If that sounds familiar, it’s because it’s nearly identical to the one Sandi got.
Later that night, Anna removes plastic wrap from Kimmy’s arm and stares at it fondly.
Anna kisses it but Kimmy winces. Anna pours out a bit of lotion into her hands and caresses the tattoo of herself with it.
“It hurt so bad,” Kimmy tells Anna. “But now I’ll always be with you.”
Anna takes Kimmy’s hand and guides it inside her panties.
“Fuck, you’re so wet,” Kimmy whispers into Anna’s ear.
Anna presses on Kimmy’s head until Kimmy gets the idea and begins to lick her pussy.
We cut to the same bedroom, a different day. Anna shows it to Bobby Trendy, a flamboyant interior designer and iconic vestige of the Y2K Sassy Fashion Gay trope.
Anna and Kimmy straddle a huge, furry body pillow and shout in unison, “Scissor, scissor!”
“I want everything white fur and pink fur,” Anna tells Trendy as she rides the pillow.
Trendy describes his “fabulous” plans for the space -- fur walls, a pink bed, feather-trimmed pillows.
“I think we should paint the ceiling hot pink,” Trendy adds.
“Are you gay Kimmy?” Anna asks.
“No,” Kimmy says. Awkwardly.
“I’m gay. I’m gay everyday. It’s a beautiful day!” Anna says.
Trendy ignores their chatter and hams for the camera as he measures the room with pink tape.
The next day, a big white Hummer limousine with pink letters spelling A-N-N-A in its windows pulls up outside the house.
“It’s here!” Anna shouts.
Daniel looks up from his homework to hug his mom goodbye.
Kimmy, Howard and a few other friends on staff (Anna’s makeup artist, Anna’s trainer, Anna’s esthetician) gather their luggage.
Anna bellows “Vegas baby!” as they pile inside. On the highway, the limousine speeds down the carpool lane.
The pink E! Logo on the back of it pops against the white truck and stark, desert landscape.
Once in Sin City, Anna checks into their palatial suite at the Rio.
After the Chippendales show that night, they waltz into the Rio lobby drunk as hell.
Anna flaunts the party beads around her neck and huffs the two wet, white t-shirts in her hand.
“Fuckers. This is brand new. I wanted that manly musk,” Anna laments. “Fuckin’ antiperspirant.”
“The only thing I like more than men is money,” Anna tells her friend on the casino floor.
Anna sits down at a $25 blackjack tables and starts winning. Again and again. Her pile grows.
Then, in one fell swoop, with one bad bet, she loses all her money.
“Y’all fuckers. I’m not listening to y’all anymore. I got shitty, little fucking cards and I was winning but then you so easily take it away,” Anna tells the poker dealer as if he’s God. “I hate losing! I’m out of money again. Easy come, easy go, isn’t that the fucking truth?”
“You can film anywhere here right?” Howard asks their producer excitedly. He nods.
They go play on the strip and end up at a strip bar called Jaguar’s. Lots of women greet them.
The group moves upstairs to the private champagne room and Anna pops a bottle.
Dancers compete for Anna’s attention and queue for the chance to give her a lap dance.
Anna licks a dancer’s nipple then locks eyes with her producer. But she doesn’t flinch.
“Ok, let’s not get too crazy,” Howard starts.
“We’re just blowin’ off some steam,” Anna laughs. “Come over here.”
Howard joins Anna during an especially erotic dance. Cameras roll on the debauchery.
Round after round of champagne, beers and Jägermeister shots – a merry-go-round of raunchiness.
Kimmy sits on a couch with the dancers Brea, Rebecca and Riley. Anna sits alone on another couch facing them.
“Do me a table dance,” Anna directs Howard.
Howard flips his California State University Berkeley hat backwards and gyrates for Anna.
Howard throws his ass in a circle as Anna and the strippers watch.
Howard drops down to get his eagle on and simulates oral sex on Anna.
They lock eyes and smile, then Howard throws her onto the couch.
Howard rides Anna and runs his hands up and down her entire body.
Drunk and horny, Anna ignores the cameras. Uninhibited. Relaxed.
Anna pushes Howard to the ground and gets on top. She rides him like she’s trying to climax with her capri pants on. She looks beautiful.
We see Howard hard in his jeans.
The dancers go crazy for the show but Kimmy looks pissed.
“Wait, what about my turn?” Kimmy whimpers.
A naked dancer cozies up to Kimmy, but she wants Anna.
Anna joins Kimmy on the couch and watches Howard dance.
“Rub your dick,” Anna instructs.
A stripper named Riley twists Anna’s nipples.
Howard rubs dollars between his ass and his dick and drools as the women watch.
“Should I keep rolling?” one camera operator whispers to his boss.
His boss shakes his head like “fuck yes” and moves to shoot other angle.
More drinks, body shots, makeouts. Nudity galore. Everyone lost in bliss until...
The manager scurries over to Howard.
“Your tab is at $890,” he says. “Before tax and tip.”
Suddenly, the spell is broken.
“We’re done!” Howard shrieks to the group. “It’s over!”
He eyes the cameramen like, “I thought E! Was paying.” They shrug. He pulls out his AmEx.
Most of the dancers line up at the door for Anna’s royal exit and she kisses each one on the lips.
The producer trails behind getting each dancer to sign their master appearance release form.
“We don’t censor nudity for European markets,” the producer warns. “Just so you know!”
“I’m starving, let’s go have dinner,” Anna yells, impatient.
“It’s 3 AM,” Howard says.
“I’m going to the buffet,” Anna says. “I don’t give a fuck what time it is.”
“I could eat something,” Kimmy adds.
We cut to a glow-in-the-dark booth in a 24-hour buffet at The Peppermill.
Anna nods off but wakes herself up again.
“I’m up,” Anna says.
“Do you want me to get your food for you?” Howard asks.
Anna nods.
Howard fills Anna’s plate with ribs, mashed potatoes, bread and butter, mac and cheese.
Anna eats her plate all up.
Howard goes off to get dessert but Anna completely dozes off at the table before he’s back with her sundae.
The next morning, Anna, Howard and Kimmy play around in the hotel gift shop.
Anna looks for something to get Daniel, sees a Voodoo Doll kit and raises it to her cameraman.
“One for my mother, father and sister,” she jokes, meaning it.
Howard gives Anna a teddy bear.
“Look what I got you mama,” Kimmy tells Anna.
Kimmy presents her a leopard nightshirt and matching slippers.
Anna kisses her. Howard complains he didn’t get a kiss for buying her a teddy bear.
Anna enjoys one last waltz around the Rio.
She poses with the sexy young guys who ask for her autograph.
Lots of people recognize her. And the film crew doesn’t make her less conspicuous.
“Or-vwuahhhhh,” Anna yelps.
Anna feels like everything’s ok for once. Warm and embodied. Until...
“Look how big she is!” a guy screams across the Rio lobby.
Everyone hears him but nobody says anything. Anna just smiles.
As they all get into the limo, Anna asks, “Did you hear that guy? ‘Look how big she is!’ What an asshole.”
The limo remains silent. A couple friends gesture for her to brush it off.
Anna puts on an elaborate, feline-esque burlesque mask.
“Nobody can see me now,” she says.
Soon, Anna passes out asleep in the limo. Feet resting on Howard. With the mask on, she’s at peace.
“I’m not getting married until after Anna’s case is done and there’s money in the bank,” Howard tells the others.
They don’t respond.
“I’ll probably never get married,” he concludes.
Anna snores and the sound fills the limo like a trumpet.
“Xanax will do that,” Anna’s esthetician whispers to her makeup artist, who nods in agreement.
Back home, the camera department gives Daniel his own camera to experiment with and to capture footage.
In these cute, quick clips, we see his family through his eyes – Anna, Kimmy, Sugar Pie.
Howard works at the kitchen table and Anna asks to see the pilot.
“Don’t they want to know what I think?” Anna says. “I’m so excited to show Daniel.”
“I haven’t seen it either,” Howard says.
“That’s what you told me last time,” Anna snaps. “The premiere is in a few days.”
“So we’ll watch it air live like everyone else,” Howard tells her.
“Why the fuck should I watch it like everyone else when it’s my goddamn show? How does that make any sense Howard?” Anna yells.
“It is your show,” Howard says.
The night before the press conference, Daniel films Anna at her vanity as she applies face cream, no makeup, and asks her how she thinks the premiere is gonna go.
“I hope people laugh and realize I’m a funny actress and maybe worth more than they think,” Anna tells her son’s camera.
“When are we gonna watch the first episode?” Daniel asks.
Anna lets the question roll off her back, avoiding it.
“Do you think your friends at school are gonna watch?” Anna asks, faking some of her enthusiasm. “Are they gonna think you’re Mr. Cool because you’re onTV?”
Daniel shrugs his shoulders, unsure. Nervous.
We enter a press conference for The Anna Nicole Show at a hotel in Pasadena.
A large banner with the show’s tagline hangs: "IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY, IT JUST IS.”
Journalists sit with their tape recorders out. Two talk shop.
“What’s the WGA gonna do? Unscripted sitcoms? The writers aren’t happy,” one says.
“What’s E! Gonna do when this one never shows up?” the other jokes. “I heard she’s a mess.”
An E! intern passes out pink Anna Nicole Show notepads to everyone and they each grab three.
“My partner will love this,” one says.
“Mine too,” the other adds. “He’s a collectible queen.”
Soon enough, Anna takes the stage at her press conference like a pageant girl on quaaludes.
Pink lights follow her to the podium.
Anna adjusts her headpiece mic and feedback screeches and rings.
She looks great but aura is off. A heavy haze. She moves slowly.
“Xanax,” one entertainment reporter whispers to another.
“With a side of painkillers,” the other adds.
“What do you hope to get out of the show?” a writer asks.
“People will see that maybe I have a little talent and will take me serious as an actress,” Anna says at a snail’s pace.
“Who do you think your fans are?” another asks.
“Large women and college boys,” Anna says.
“How did you feel when you watched the first episode?” a journalist asks.
Of course, Anna hasn’t seen the first episode, or any of the footage, but she doesn’t reveal that.
“It feels like a dream come true to have my very own show,” Anna says, cognizant but slurring.
“You don’t think E! Is making fun of you by giving you a show?” someone asks.
“They probably are, but just like it says …” Anna answers, nodding to the banner.
“What’s your greatest talent?” another journalist asks.
“I have no idea,” Anna replies.
The room fills with snickering laughter. Anna stares dead eyed into the audience.
“My life is funny,” she says as the room quiets down. “It’s even funnier if you’re not actually me.”
At home a couple days later, Anna welcomes journalist Joel Stein over to cover her new show for Time Magazine. She invites him inside and introduces him to Sugar Pie.
“If I go out somewhere, she won’t eat and she won’t drink and she just shakes until I get back,” Smith says. “She’s just crazy about her mom. Nobody loves me as good as her.”
Anna leads Stein to Daniel’s room. Daniel gets up from editing some footage of a lowkey monster movie starring Sugar Pie and shakes his hand. Stein asks Daniel about filming.
“I love my mom, but I hate the cameras,” Daniel tells Stein.
“He does it all for his mommy because he loves me so much,” Anna says. “Thank you pumpkin.”
Anna leads Stein to her bedroom.
She turns the TV, sees The Jerry Springer Show and invites Stein to lay on her pink sheets.
Anna grabs an olive from her bedside, sprays Cheez Wiz onto it and passes it to Stein as a snack. He stares at it but then accepts.
Anna sips from a huge bottle of Strawberry Nesquik and offers it to Stein. That he declines.
“Do these pink satin sheets see much action?” Stein asks.
“No way. It’s been two years,” Anna says. “It's pathetic. I feel like a virgin again. I feel sorry for the next guy I attack. He's going to be dead.”
“Are you looking for a boyfriend?” Stein asks.
Kimmy enters the room, drops off more snacks and hurries out. But listens outside the door…
“No. Maybe I’ll find one soon,” Anna says. “But I'll never know true love. I'll never know if it will be for me or my fame or my money. That's the saddest thing about being me. Everybody I know has made money from me and thrown me away.”
We cut to premiere night. The family watches the pilot of their show together – Anna, Daniel, Howard and Kimmy in the living room. Champagne and sparkling cider abound.
As the theme song begins, they all sing the theme song together. Proud tears in Anna’s eyes.
We watch Anna react to the pilot. Smiles and giggles at first. Then uncertainty. Then anger…
“Why’d they use this?” Anna asks the TV. “Why’d they use all the worst parts?”
Cut to black.
The next morning, Anna wallows in bed. Stern brings her Nesquik. In a better mood than she is.
“The highest-rated program premiere ever on E! And the top debut for a reality show on basic cable in television history,” Stern says. “4.1 Nielsen rating our first night, which probably means about 7.6 million viewers once they determine how many people in each house were watching.”
“Do we get a bonus for that?” Anna asks.
“Nobody said anything about that, but this is still great news Anna,” Howard insists.
Anna rolls over to the other side of the bed.
“Just get out of here Howard,” Anna says. “You see what they’re saying about me. That I’m a Trainwreck. Car crash. Plane crash. Beached whale. Total idiot. Fat loser. Has been. Druggie. It was bad enough when they called me a white trash gold digger, but this? It’s torture.”
“That’s just gossip Anna. You’ve been through this before. Don’t let the critics ruin your celebration,” Howard says. “Let’s go to the spa. Or the Polo Lounge. Something glamorous.”
“I’m staying right here,” Anna says and buries her head in a pillow. “Forever.”
Kimmy ambles in with a huge flower bouquet with the E! Logo in the middle.
“You ok, Mama?” Kimmy asks.
Anna nods. Kimmy leaves the flowers and shuffles back to her room.
Kimmy flips through the channels and can’t believe she sees Anna, and even herself, everywhere.
Daytime talk show hosts comment on the “sad,” “wild,” and “obscene” show.
Kimmy turns the volume down on the TV.
At North Hollywood High School, Daniel switches books in his locker when a group of older guys surrounds him in a semicircle.
“What the fuck is your mom on?” one of his schoolmates asks.
“Yeah, cuz, I want some of that shit,” another states. “She’s high as fuck.”
“Your mom is so fucked up,” a third adds.
“I would still hit that,” a fourth guy chimes in. “You know she’s a fucking freak.”
Daniel slams his fist on his locker.
“Do you pussies really watch E!?” Daniel asks.
The guys beat him up. Four against one.
The next day, Anna leads a family meeting with Daniel, Kimmy and Howard.
“Kimmy, you’re not gonna have to drive Daniel to school anymore because he’s going to be homeschooled,” Anna says. “You’re gonna be his lil teacher. “Lord knows I don’t know how to do schoolwork.”
“No more North Hollywood High School?” Howard asks. “Didn’t you just join the TV station?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Daniel says. “I don’t wanna go anywhere.”
“You’re not going to be dropping out of high school,” Anna tells him. “That’s for sure.”
“Don’t worry, I’m not like you,” Daniel says. “Luckily.”
He storms off and slams the door.
Anna sits stunned.
“Well that was rude,” Anna says. “He’s never talked to me like that before.”
“I feel bad for him,” Kimmy says.
Anna gives Kimmy a dirty look and storms off to her room. Anna pops a couple pills and tucks herself into bed.
Soon after, Daniel sees her passed out. He finds her bottle of Xanax, sees another patient's name on it and flushes the pills down the toilet in her bathroom.
The next morning, Anna can’t find that bottle of Xanax. She finds another bottle and pops one.
That Sunday night, Anna, Howard, Kimmy and Daniel pass around takeout and watch that week’s episode of The Anna Nicole Show. The episode’s title appears, “The Eating Contest.”
“Great,” Anna gripes when she reads it.
“Wow,” Anna says. “Y’all really have me looking like I’m a fuckin, fuckin, whatchamacallit…”
“A bulimic,” Kimmy says.
“Yeah I’m not a fuckin bulimic,” Anna says.
Howard rolls his eyes and Daniel closes his.
Later, alone in the bathroom, Anna calls Paul Marciano. He answers during a fashion shoot.
“Paul,” Anna whimpers. “Have you seen my show?”
“Anna?” Paul asks. “Sorry I don’t have this number for you. Of course I’ve seen the show.”
“They make me look so ugly,” Anna says. “You always made me look so beautiful.”
“I’ll always cherish those shoots Anna,” Paul says. “I mean, we got to name and create ‘Anna’ together. How special is that?”
“You killed Vickie,” Anna says, laughing. “Why do they have to make me out to be ugly?”
“I’m in fashion. Beauty. Glamour. Perfection. Strength,” Paul explains. “What we did together wasn’t reality TV. I think they’re editing your show differently… with different intentions.”
“No shit, they use the least flattering, stupidest moments they can get,” Anna says. “It’s nothing like modeling. They don’t think I’m beautiful. They chop up my sentences to make up new ones. I mean, they keep some funny stuff I did intentionally, but still–”
“Not everyone you work with is going to protect you,” Paul says.
“I wish someone would,” Anna says.
“You have to protect yourself,” Paul warns. “Listen, I’m in a hurry, but let’s –”
Anna just hangs up.
Paranoid, Anna rips her bedroom and bathroom apart looking for secret cameras.
“Mom?” Daniel asks at her door. “Are you ok?”
Anna halts her search and catches her breath.
“Yes pumpkin, everything’s fine,” she tells him. “I’m just lookin’ to see if there’s any more of them cameras anywhere they leave behind at night.”
“It’s late,” Daniel says.
“I didn’t think the show was gonna be so like, ‘Gotcha!’” Anna whispers to him. “I’m sorry.”
“I thought you couldn’t take pills anymore?” Daniel asks her.
“Do you want to lay with me?” Anna asks.
He agrees by getting into her huge bed.
“I’m in a lot of pain,” she says, holding him.
“I wish I could take all your pain away,” Daniel tells her.
She squeezes him even more tightly.
“You do,” she assures him. “ You are right now. I love you more than anything.”
At Nordstrom, Anna points to a ton of outfits and asks, “Do you have these in a big size?”
The saleswoman shakes her head, “No.”
Anna stands naked in a dressing room and stares at her body. She runs her hands over it.
“I look fatter with clothes on,” Anna tells herself.
She tries on lingerie and flirts with herself in the mirror.
She tries on some boring clothes, the only ones that fit.
“These ones fit, so we have to get every color they have,” Anna tells Howard.
“No Anna, we don’t have to get every color,” Howard reasons with her.
“Yes we do. You wouldn’t understand. Shopping isn’t easy if you actually have a body,” she laments to him. “Unless you’re a man. If you’re a fat man, they’ll make clothes for you at Prada. But not a fat woman. It’s sexist.”
While filming, Anna flirts with her camera operators. After one glam session, Anna looks unreasonably breathtaking and flirts into the camera.
“Y’all see how much I need it, but not one of you has the courage to come up and say, ‘I’ll do you Anna. I’ll take your misery away and make you feel like a woman,’” she tells him. “You know you want to taste this honey pot.”
Anna eye fucks a specific cameraman in a serious way.
“Quit making my pussy quiver,” she warns.
During another shoot, Anna spreads her legs open in a mini skirt and cries out, “Somebody just lick me already, please!”
A week later, Anna meets with her team of executive producers in the living room.
“Why did Bobby Trendy get better entrance music than me?” Anna asks. “Y’all made him like a star of the show.”
“No, we made him the villain,” Howard says with delight.
“About Vegas. It’s not like it’s one quick titty flash,” the producer says. “You really go on.”
“Sex sells,” Anna says. “You knew we were going to the strip club.”
“Yes, but we didn’t know the extent of how you guys would behave,” the producer starts.
“I want to make sure what’s shown of me doesn’t impact our ongoing litigation,” Howard says.
“Too late Howard you’re the one that got wasted with us,” Anna says. “And rubbed dollars on your asshole. I think it’s funny.”
Howard avoids eye contact with everyone, sheepish.
“No nudity, please,” Howard says. “Not even censored. For me at least. I could run for attorney general one day. Or be a public defender.”
The producer rolls his eyes.
“You didn’t get naked Howard,” he says.
“Let’s move on to the other issue, about New York,” the producer continues.
“Nope,” Anna says. “Nope. Nope.”
“This one, you’ve gotta do for me,” he says.
“Would you go talk to somebody who says your wife is a fucking bitch and an old cunt? And all kinds of shit like that?” Anna asks him.
“I’m not saying you have to like him. It’s not about like or dislike. It’s about sucking it up and doing something because it’s part of the job,” the producer tells her.
“He can suck my ass, no,” Anna says. “I was just fucking there. Twice in one year?”
“Your show wasn’t airing yet when you first went to promote it. He’s going to do for us what I need done which is get 20 million people to watch this television show,” he says.
“I hear you,” Anna says.
Suddenly we’re back in Howard Stern’s NYC radio studio, resuming the scene at the top of this episode.
Stern and his co-hosts all wager on Anna’s current weight.
“If you make the weight 290, I’ll go in on the under / over, so for every pound off from 290, I get $20 and you all have to chip in for it,” Artie says.
“Is she over 290 or under?” Stern says. “I’ve got a $100 bill that says she’s over 300.”
“She’s got big breasts, 30 pounds each,” the intern says.
“I think it would be good promotion for the show if she got on the scale and weighed in,” Stern says.
“Tell her to wear a bikini and weigh in,” Robin adds.
“I’m worried she’s 180 and I’ll be burned,” Stern says.
“No, no, she’s gotta be over two…” Artie adds.
Another Stern personality, Ronnie the Limo driver, leads Anna down the hallway toward the studio. Cameras roll on her, because Stern has an E! show too.
Anna strolls gracefully and answers hit chit chat as best she can, but anger seethes under her breath. Howard and Kimmy trail behind her.
“Have you been listening to the show today?” Ronnie asks.
“Yes, I have. For a matter of fucking fact,” Anna says. “They’re being very fucking rude to me.”
“So you’re mad Howard’s interested in your weight?” Ronnie asks.
“It’s not just the weight. I’m on drugs and a bunch of bullshit….I think he’s an asshole,” Anna says. “How would you feel if someone was talking about how fat you were and saying you’re on drugs? And that my lawyer and assistant are in love with me. It’s a bunch of cockamamie stuff they sayin’.”
Anna walks into the recording studio with Kimmy at her side, trying to seem calm and strong.
“Here comes Anna Nicole and her assistant Kim, two stars of The Anna Nicole Show,” Stern announces.
“Anna Nicole looks happy to be here,” Robin says sarcastically, as they find their seats.
“Why isn’t she happy to be here?” Stern asks. “She’s never happy to be here.”
“You’ve been a jerk today,” Anna says. “You too.”
“That’s ridiculous,” Robin laughs.
“You look beautiful,” Stern tells Anna.
“She’s upset,” Robin says.
“Don’t be upset with me, that’s silly,” Stern says.
We cut to Daniel and Howard eating cookies as they watch.
Then we resume to the conversation in the studio:
“It almost looks like Howard K Stern lives with you,” Robin says.
“He doesn’t live with me,” Anna says. “He hangs out with me all day but then he goes home.”
“You haven’t even gotten paid yet from that old dude you were married to,” Stern says.
“My husband,” Anna corrects him.
“A listener wrote an email and said ask Anna ten questions about her ex-husband because he bets you can’t answer them,” Stern tells her.
“Oh, what are the questions?” Anna asks.
“Let me find them,” Howard says.
“Why are you saying I’m on drugs?” Anna asks. “I didn’t come here to talk about my husband.”
“Just answer one question to prove that you loved him,” Stern bullies her. “When was his birthday?”
“January 24th,” Anna answers. “Aquarius.”
“That’s right,” Howard says.
The studio doesn’t change, but the energy changes as we see it through Anna’s eyes. It’s claustrophobic. It’s chaos. The sound distorts. Anna freezes. She feels like she’s watching this from outside her body.
Finally, her brain crackles and she registers the sound of Stern’s questions and answers.
“You seem wasted,” Stern tells Anna.
(Sure, she’s on pills but also having a trauma response.)
“What’s wrong with me? Peekaboo?” Anna cranes toward Stern. “I’m right here.”
“I think sometimes, on the show, you seem very out of it,” Stern says. “I’ll ask your assistant Kim. Kim, am I high to say she seems out of it on the show?”
“They run her pretty hard,” Kim says. “We had to wake up early today.”
“Why are you so alert during the interview parts of the show?” Gary, the Stern producer, asks.
“Because I’m focused. I don’t have the same slow drawl as I do at my house, just relaxing,” Anna says.
“A lot of people are saying Anna Nicole seems high, not just me,” Stern says. “You put yourself out there on the show, of course people are going to comment on your life.”
Anna doesn’t know what to say and doesn’t feel like falling back to her cutesy routine. Frozen.
“The way you dress, I don’t think you’re aware you’re a heavyset woman,” Stern tells Anna.
“I know I’m a big woman. So what?” Anna asks.
“Can you please get on the scale and then we do an over / under?” Stern asks.
“No,” Anna answers immediately. “I’m not gonna get on a scale for you to weigh me. Why do you want to humiliate me?”
“I don’t want to humiliate you,” Stern says. “I think you should be proud of what you weigh.”
“I don’t think any woman wants to weigh in,” Kim says.
“If Anna Nicole is so liberated, why can’t she weigh in?” Stern asks. “Why is she embarrassed?”
“No!” Anna asserts.
“If you get on the scale right now, I will give you $3,000 for your son’s college fund from iWon.com and ….Trimspa,” Stern says.
“Yeah, Trimspa,” Gary confirms.
“You have to be weighed, I could win $700,” Stern tells Anna.
“I’m pissed off at you,” Anna says.
“I guessed you weighed 300 pounds,” Stern tells her.
“Jesus,” Anna says. “You’re way off.”
“300 pounds” triggers Anna back into that numb, dissociative state. The room looks more and more off-kilter, dizzying, spinning. This warped sense of reality continues until the sound returns with a listener question:
“Anna Nicole, you have such a pretty face. How can you let yourself go like that?” the caller asks.
“Like what?” Anna asks, pretending to be confused.
“You are so beautiful. Well, you were so beautiful before you were so overweight,” the caller continues.
“I think of myself as a big person but not as a fat person,” Anna says.
“But Anna, everyone is telling you--” the caller continues.
“Shut up! I’m not talking to you,” Anna says.
“Talk to me,” Stern says.
“I don’t have rolls in my stomach,” Anna says.
“Yes, you do,” Stern says.
“I do not,” Anna says.
“You do, you do, you do,” Stern says.
“Try that Trimspa stuff they promote on this show,” another caller tells Anna. “There’s a new formula without ephedrine.”
“Yep, Trimspa is one of our sponsors out of Jersey,” Stern says.
“Y’all are so mean,” Anna says.
Later, the interview concludes.
“We’re made for each other baby,” Stern tells Anna, flirty. “Don’t act like that. You know I love you.”
“You’re hateful,” Anna says.
“You know what I would do to you,” Stern tells her, suggestively. “You listen to me baby. If I start laying my hands on you, you won’t know what to do.”
Anna laughs. Even if Anna hates a guy, she’s happier knowing he wants to fuck her. Of course, in this case, his flirtation is more like media manipulation.
“Are you coming back on here?” Stern asks.
She nods “yes.”
“Thank you guys for coming on,” Stern says. “Nice meeting you Kim, who is in love with you, I was right.”
Robin stops Anna on her way out.
“We weren’t trying to give you a hard time, we just have fun with people,” Robin says.
Anna nods.
“We hope you come back on the show,” Robin says.
“I didn’t know you’d be sensitive about that,” Stern says. “Shake my hand at least.”
Anna shakes his hand.
“I love your show,” Stern tells her, desperate to butter her up.
Anna tries to hurry down the hallway but another camera operator tails her closely and identifies himself as filming for Howard Stern’s own E! Show
“It’s like y’all booby trapped me,” Anna says as she stares into his camera.
Done up in a gown during a promotional photoshoot later that day, Anna flirts with her camera operator again.
She sings “Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend” into the camera but this rendition feels a lot more Riot Grrrl.
“Time rolls on / And youth is gone / And you can't straighten up when you bend / But stiff back / Or stiff knees / You stand straight at Tiffany's,” Anna shrieks.
Back in LA, Anna and Howard pickout a birthday cake for Kimmy at a bakery. The crew films.
They bring a box of desserts and two iced coffees to the patio for sampling.
As they enjoy their sweets, an older woman in a wheelchair calls to them from across the parking lot.
“Anna, I think you’re great. I love you, but I think you’re being exploited,” the woman yells.
“Oh yeah? Well…” Anna replies. She looks at her camera crew and they film the exchange.
“As long as you don’t mind,” the woman tells her.
“I don’t mind, as long as I get paid for it,” Anna says back.
Howard and Anna get up and walk to their car. Anna dances sexy for the camera.
“Right now, you’re being exploited. Did you know that?” Howard asks her.
“So, let me have fun while I’m doing it,” Anna says. “I need a shot of Jager.”
At a big dealership Van Nuys, Anna and Howard look at cars. They inspect a new VW Bug.
“She’s always wanted one of these ugly cars,” Anna says. “Now I can punch her everytime we get into it.”
Time for Kimmy’s Halloween-themed birthday party in July. A limo arrives in front of Fubar, an iconic gay bar in West Hollywood best known for its recurring contest “Big Fat Dick.”
Anna emerges as an evil vampiress, favoring scary over sexy.
“Thanks for being so generous with your time everybody” the producer tells the room full of queer club-goers dressed like witches and goblins and girl scouts.
“Ignore the camera, engage with our cast and have the time of your life,” an AD announces.
The room applauds.
Anna enters Fubar dressed as an evil vampiress and the room goes even crazier. Bliss.
We luxuriate in the fun of this moment – the gay bar of it all. Anna’s home. Full of fans.
Photos. Strippers. Jello shots.
Before midnight, Anna escorts Kimmy to the front of the bar.
Kimmy sees a VW bug – red ribbon and all.
“It’s yours!” Anna shouts.
“You’re the most generous person I’ve ever met,” Kimmy tells Anna.
“I love you,” Anna tells Kimmy.
Anna and Kimmy kiss on the lips, quick and closed mouth but passionate, romantic.
Another night. Another gay bar. An Anna Nicole drag night in Silverlake. The queen hosting the event gives Anna some credit where it’s due:
“We’re all gold diggers, she’s just a successful one,” the queen on stage says.
Everyone applauds. Anna enjoys the praise but wishes she had money to buy every fan a drink.
Another night, Anna tip topes out into the living room and watches TiVo’d eps of her show.
She plays them on mute and watches frame by frame.
She reacts to how she looks second to second and hurries through unflattering frames.
“Ugly, ugly,” she says aloud.
Then she sees something she likes. A full-glam testimonial with excellent lighting. She lingers.
“Pretty,” she admits to herself.
In October, Sonnenberg announces season two of Anna’s show over the phone to his publicist.
“Viewers are captivated by Anna Nicole’s surreal world,″ Sonnenberg says into the phone. One of his colleagues walks in and he silently gestures for him to feel free to sit down.
“They are rooting for her to turn her life around, get back into shape and revitalize her love life. What’s in store next for Anna Nicole remains to be seen,″ Sonnenberg finishes. “Yep, thanks.”
He hangs up his phone.
“No way she beats last year’s numbers. It tanked after the premiere,” his colleague says.
“Still grew our key advertising demo 19 percent,” Sonnenberg says. “All that press.”
“Is your star happy?” the other VP asks.
Sonnenberg shrugs. Does it matter?
Later, Anna and Howard arrive at the E! Offices. Part meeting, part renewal celebration.
“I swear to god Howard if you act like a kiss ass in here I’m done with you,” Anna threatens.
“You signed a multi-season contract Anna,” Howard says. “Not a ton of room for negotiation.”
“I want my fucking settlement. I want to be done with this shirt already,” Anna whispers.
Meanwhile, we see German film director Werner Herzog watching The Anna Nicole Show in his screening room in LA. Utterly transfixed.
An episode ends and he makes a phone call.
The screen splits and we see the renowned film critic Roger Ebert in his office.
“Roger, as a great soldier of cinema, you have to watch the Anna Nicole show,” Herzog begins. “Have you seen it?”
“What?” Ebert asks. “No. Not a second of it. You watch that show Herzog?”
“There’s something big about it, a big shift in the wider public’s concept of female beauty, in how vulgarity is invading everyday life more than ever before,” Herzog continues. “It’s wonderful.”
“Well, I mean...,” Ebert wonders.
“Have them send them all to you,” Herzog says. “And report back.”
Herzog hangs up.
We cut to Anna in Kentucky. She examines her Kentucky Derby outfit in a full-length mirror in her Louisville hotel room.
She pinches all over her body, grabs pockets of fat. She inhales deeply and pulls up her dress.
It’s tight as fuck and the night is humid.
She catches her body in the mirror.
“I wish I could just go naked,” Anna laments. “Naked with jewelry.”
The night before the big race, Anna looks queenly at a charity event near the Churchill Downs Racetrack. Competition looms.
Cameras flash all over. The flashes blind Anna as she sits at her table.
Once she can see again, Anna catches a glimpse of a blonde photographer in a black suit.
She waves him over to the table.
“Will you take a picture with me?” Anna asks.
“I’m just here to take photos,” the photographer, Larry Birkhead, says. He’s boy-band blonde and fit.
“But you’re so cute, I don’t want to forget your face,” Anna purrs.
Larry hands someone his camera and crouches next to Anna for the pic.
Anna stares at him, enamored, but makes no further move.
Anna films a reality TV confessional. She looks gorgeous, round face and all, and seems relaxed addressing her fans through the camera.
“Improvise a bit,” a producer tells her. “Wax poetic, think about the meaning of life, Forrest Gump, Southern fool wisdom or whatever.”
“You’re calling me a fool?” Anna asks him sternly.
She cackles before the producer can answer.
“Shakespeare always made his fools smart,” Anna continues. “Hugh Hefner told me that. Obviously. I’ve mostly only read the TV Guide.”
“To camera,” the producer reminds her.
Anna drops in and delivers gold:
“You know those bumper stickers where it says, ‘Shit happens and then you die?’ They should have ‘em that say, ‘Shit happens and then you live,’ because that’s really the truth of it.”
Anna smiles into the camera.
